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Grief - Loss of your Child

By Magreth Mcgill

I lost my daughter in 2001 she was 21 years old - she was involved in a horrific motor vehicle accident around Easter.

The grief that follows the death of a loved one is almost impossible to get over. They say that when you lose your husband (or wife) they take them from your side, but when you lose a child, they take them from your heart.

As a mother I found it almost impossible to get over, every thing reminded me of her, places I went to, people even television shows and music. Nothing gave me peace. Every birthday, anniversary I went into deep depression.

When someone you love is taken from you so suddenly it is extremely difficult to get back to life as it was before (you lose the joy in life). I lost relationships with my family, friends and didn't go about life trying to make anyone happy or get close to anyone, in fact I became rather bitter and cynical. I didn't want to know anyone anymore.

The question in my mind was always WHY? Why did this happen. What had I done to deserve this?

Crying was something I did daily, happiness had flown out the window, and then one night I woke up at about 4am after a dream, I went straight to my computer to put it down on paper so that I would never forget any of the details, as they had finally given me peace.

It was as if she had been there with me, when I woke I had to do a reality check, because I actually believed that the dream was real. The dream set me at rest; finally I could try to regain my life in some way. That was eighteen months ago. Don't get me wrong, I still think of her every day, but I don't have the same dread about life and what I lost.

I have never shared this with anyone before but I know that there are others out there that have been through the same as I have and there is no support group for mothers who loose their children in this way.

The Dream....

The phone was ringing; we were in the middle of tiling the family room. “Hello” I answered “Yes she is here”.

I called Hélène over to the phone pointing at the receiver, “it’s that company down in Sydney, about the job” I whispered over the handset excitedly.

“Hello, yes, yes, I would love to, 1p.m. Friday, here in Brisbane, yes, ok”. As she hung the phone on the hook, she jumped for joy. “Mum, it was the company down in Sydney that I was hoping to get the job with, they are coming up here to interview me”!

The days went quickly; we got most of the tiling done when “D-Day” arrived. Hélène was requested to bring the family to the interview; the company were very strict about employing young people without family approval and support.

We prepared ourselves to give Hélène the best possible chance of getting the job. Her brother Michael spruced himself up, a handsome young man at the best of times, but when he went the extra mile, he was devilishly handsome.

We drove to the hotel for the interview, one of Brisbane’s more established hotels, the kind of place people went to be seen.

Meeting this future employer was a good thing, I felt happier that he and his wife would be there to meet the people who would be influencing her life. The meeting was informal, over lunch. Hélène was effervescent as ever. Michael restrained himself to give a good impression. I was more interested in finding out what kind of people these were. Bob and his wife Anna were in there mid 50’s, he was well set, and she was medium build. Both were aging well. They were a homely looking couple. To me, this was a sign of good living and not over indulgence.

We talked about the position with the firm, they were interested in Hélène’s life, they were very careful about hiring and firing employee’s they explained that when they hired, it was a career not just a job. Hélène was enthusiastic; she presented herself as always very well.

Arrangements would be made for Hélène to fly to Sydney, we had purchased a ticket for Hélène about a year earlier but the trip was cancelled, still valid Hélène could use it for the trip to Sydney. She would start her new job in September.

The lunch was very informal; Bob and Anna made us all feel part of their family. At one stage, Hélène made reverence to Poppy and Nan sending her stuffed toy collection to me, Anna asked Hélène who Poppy and Nan were. She started to explain, that the people she referred to were her fiancé Peters grandparents. Questions started along those lines. Who was Peter? Was she still engaged? Did she have a past? Would this interfere with her future in their company?

Hélène was always very candid; she explained that she was the victim of a tragic road accident, where she was fatally wounded.

I was looking at the perplexed expressions on their faces with an unquestioning ear to what Hélène was telling them, acceptance of every word.

She explained that after she died Poppy and Nan who had some of her stuffed toys decided that it would be nice if they sent them to me. On receiving the toys a single hair strand of Hélène’s was on one of her favourite bears, as I held the bear close to my breast, a tear of sorrow fell upon the hair.

The morning after the bears had arrived, in 2005 the sounds of Hélène and Michael in the kitchen woke me, and it was almost like it had washed away years of sadness and memories.

Hélène was alive! The accident must have been a dream I thought. Oh, such a horrible nightmare, to think that something like that could happen to anyone.

I walked into the kitchen and everything was as it always was, my two children preparing for their day.

We had a happy existence, nothing over the top, just a mum and her two beautiful children. Only now they were also young adults.

We talked for what seemed hours, we were sweeping up after the tiling the builders dust was always a tedious chore made more enjoyable because it gave us time to talk. And talk we did, she told me of how happy she was to be off on a new life. I told her to go to Sydney, to live a life of fullness, “don’t be like me, always worrying about the future, and don’t save for a rainy day, live your life to the fullest of full. Enjoy each day as it comes, and be blessed in doing so”.

I woke smiling for the first time in many years. I thanked Hélène for coming to me at last. I asked her to come again soon, I missed her. I thanked her she finally gave me rest.

Contributor's Note

If you feel that you would like more on the subject - that maybe you have been through the same experience of loosing your child this way. Please leave comments so that I can take this subject further.

I lost my son at the age of 14 in a jet ski accident in 1991. I went through some of the same stages you have gone through, and I remember going to bed each night hoping Jason would come to me in a dream. It took me about the same amount of time as it did for you for me to have the kind of dream I wanted. Evey now and then I have another one.

I have gone on with my life after working through my grief. My faith has helped me a lot. Now when I remember my children, it is mostly the happy memories that come to my mind.

For anyone else suffering the loss of a child through a sudden and unexpected death, I want to assure you that although everything is terribly dark for you now, you should eventually work through the most bitter stage of your grief. Although there is no real normal time this takes, for me the good memories started outnumbering the bad after about three years.If your grief is still overwhelming you after three years have passed, you should probably seek the help of clergy or a counselor. Many mortuaries will put you in touch with grief help in the form of counseling or support groups, as well, a bit after a you lose your loved one. In our community we do have grief groups for those who have lost children. Some might also be found on the Internet. I joined a group for parents of bereaved children on Facebook. I hope if your loss is fresh you will take heart and know this pain won't last forever, even though it's overwhelming you now.

Hi Barb... I thank you for your supportive comments, it is true that when you lose your child to a sudden tragic event you feel alone.. and the good memories are worth holding on to - I hope too that anyone that reads this and is going through the same.... it does get easier.. it takes time, and you never lose the emptiness of the void that the loss of your child leaves but you do learn to live with it and in the quiet moments you can have them back.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I usually have little patience for descriptions of dreams, as they make little sense to anyone except the dreamer. But this story is a clear narrative, and interesting, and would hold up well as an episode of, say, The Twilight Zone. I can see why it helped you gain closure (if that is the right word).

I agree with you Nick regarding dream descriptions, I found that it would be more beneficial for a reader to understand what I was trying to get across by telling the whole story, rather than the way out dream. I did find that it helped me through a most difficult time. I still grieve, but not in the same angry way as before that night. I now accept that my little girl is gone, nothing will bring her back and nothing will fill my heart the way she did. But, I do believe that sometimes you need to let others know, and if they are in the same predicament they may find solace in my ravings. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

I had a friend who lost her only son. He had graduated college and just getting ready to go to med school when his car was hit broadside on the freeway. I cried for three days. I too have an only son and losing him is unimaginable to me. What do you say to a friend who has suffered such a senseless loss?

It is very hard to say what you want to say to a friend that has just lost their child, I know this because my friends and family had the same problem. They thought that by saying nothing they would help ease the pain I was in. But in actual fact they did the exact opposite. Instead of helping me through it, they said nothing! That is the worst thing you can do to a mother after she loses her child. The best advice I can give is to be there as a support, empathy is a wonderful thing, just let her know that you don't know how she feels, but you want to be there to support her. Most important of all is to speak of the good things, and the memories that you have of her son, let her know that you remember him, and that he will never be forgotten. The one thing never to do is act like he was never there, with your silence. The senseless tragedy of losing a child so suddenly is a gigantic shock, and she will lose touch with reality in her grief. Be there for her, comfort her and she will find her strength again. Without Friends we all find it difficult to endure the painful tragedies that life seems to dish out. I hope that she will find peace with herself and remember the good things.
I know that during my earlier years after I lost Helene, I often wondered why did I do things the way I did, I felt robbed of the future she had and I laid a lot of guilt on myself, for things I did or didn't do, but at the end, she gave me 21 years of happiness that will last me for the rest of my life. Be Strong for your friend. Regards Magreth

Thank you so much Magreth for your advice. I am so glad you
are healing and don't worry, she knows everything that you feel. I am a Baha'i; well, shall I say, I strive to be a Baha'i. The prophet of my faith, Baha'u'llah, says that this world and the other world are interwoven like the threads of
a blanket. I am sharing this story with them, along with your advice.

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